Alex grabbing toy golf clubs for my nephews at Target at 5:30 a.m. FridayMy new weekly feature exploring topics that may or may not be dog related but are certainly maddening! Maddening I tell you...maddening!
Today's topic: Black Friday
Now if you are wondering why it has taken till Sunday to write about Black Friday it is because it has taken me a full 48 hours to get over the trauma of going out at 5:00a.m. last Friday.
Let me start by sharing with you that I started working retail at the mall in my home town at the green age of 15 at an upscale woman's store called Up To Date. I was the Dressing Room gal. Breaking several child labor laws I worked 12 hours straight my very first Black Friday employed in the working world. My legs felt like overcooked spaghetti from not sitting down once and I vividly recall making a solemn pledge that when I grew up I would stay home on Black Friday and not shop. In my 6 consecutive years after age 15 where I worked at various retail shops at the mall I repeated that vow every Black Friday and would fantasize about adulthood and freedom from the crowds, sales and general mayhem.
So why on God's Green Earth did I decide to go out last Friday to Target at 5:00a.m.?
Well it was those goddamn $3 Chefmate appliances they advertised. Yes I was a sucker over the mere notion of obtaining a crock pot for $3 or a 12 cup coffee maker or panini press. Now keep in mind I would have to gift said items to somebody I didn't give a rat's ass about or was born in the depression era. 92 year old Great Aunt Snookie would be the only person to not judge me for giving her a $3 gift and also due to her lack of mobility be unable to physically return the crock pot and find out my dirty little secret that I spent the cost of a McDonalds Happy Meal on her Christmas gift.
To be honest I also had another reason for not minding an early wake up to head to Target. Regrettably I have been getting up around 4:00p.m. daily due to my chronic knee pain (on the docket for 2010 is knee replacements for me! Whoo-hoo!). I figured why not go out for $3 deals as I will inevitably be awake anyhow with aching patellas. I put the plan in front of my husband who gets up for work on a normal day at 3:30a.m. and he was unfazed at the prospect at heading out in pitch blackness. Alex (as usual) took it one step further and hatched an evil plan where I could get more deals by using my cane to smack people and/or get sympathy when there was just one panini press left on the shelf. He did have a really, really evil plan of me using the complimentary Target motorized cart to not only get to sale items faster but also strap my cane to the front basket a la battering ram to clear out any congested areas of the store. I reminded him the few times I have used the motorized cart it goes about 1 mile per hour fully floored and he quickly decided this idea wouldn't work. So me and my cane were going to hobble to cheap-ass appliance heaven all on our own.
Since here in the Chicago suburbs we have a Target in every direction from our house all about 10 minutes away we decided to go to what we like to call the "Secret Target" It's not a Superstore like many of our local Targets and is next door to a Walmart Supercenter so it tends to be a little sleepy and full of a lot of clearance stuff as not many people shop there. We naively figured people would go to the other more popular Targets and all the more $3 coffeemakers for us.
I began to realize we were screwed when I saw the local police directing traffic into the parking lot when we rolled in at 4:50a.m. Then I saw the line. It was filled with excited looking cheap appliance seekers and stretched out for miles. We went to the end of it as the doors were opened and I saw on the ground a sight I had not seen since I waited for Springsteen tickets in 1985 - strewn blankets, empty coffee cups and pieces of half eaten sandwiches. These crazy people had been camping out on line since 1:00 a.m. for my goddamn $3 crock pot. Bastards!
We got one of the very last carts available as we walked into the bottle necked entrance. Target in all their wisdom put all the $5 DVD's right as you walk in on cardboard racks. It was a freakin' feeding frenzy and I had to laugh as a lady shouted out in glee "I got The Davinci Code!" (um, it really wasn't that great of a movie and it lasted what felt like 23 hours) Using highly technical hand signals I pointed to the left to my husband so we could cut through one of the open check out lines and by-pass the DVD madness. He nodded and off we went. I put my cane on high speed and said to my husband (who should be at my side) "Lets go all the way over to the left side of store so we can go straight down to appliances!" When I got no response I realized quickly I was talking to nobody as Alex had stopped 10 feet back at the $1 bins. What?
We are out at 5:00 a.m. among throngs of shoppers all stuck in the DVD shopper traffic and I devise a fantastic plan to by-pass hundreds of people to get the $3 appliances and he stops to browse the stupid $1 bins that are there ALL the time!
I know the military says to never leave a man behind but I have to keep the dream alive! I ditch Alex like a bad prom date and hobble in high gear back to appliances by cutting through the kids department. I see people coming towards me with arms full of red Chefmate boxes. I can smell the $3 bargains they are so close!
I see the Doorbusters Deals end cap in sight as I turn the corner and I think "I'm going to make it! I can do it!" A flash of red shirt then stood in my path and I listened in horror as a Target team member announced "That's it folks!" She handed the last panini press to a man with a White Sox hat on. I clutched my cane a bit tighter and thought about using it in force to get that panini maker, alas Target has pretty good security and the cops were right outside still directing traffic.
My husband shows up on the scene a few minutes later clutching some plastic jungle animals from the $1 bins for my nephews. He does not understand why I am losing my mind over missing out on the $3 appliances. In his estimation we would have had to be been one of the 1:00a.m. camped out people to get those great deals. He unplugs the floor demo $3 coffee maker from the display shelf and hands it to me at which point I respond using language not fitting of a lady.
For the next hour I watch crazed individuals run around Target like chickens with their heads cut off. Women in baseball caps covering unwashed hair pushed 2 carts at a time full of merchandise. I listen to a man in electronics brag his "big fish" story to a group that he just happened to be standing near a set of stock room doors when staff brought out the 2 last flat screens on super sale which he motioned to on a flat bed. Bystanders ooohhed and aaahed over this tale of triumph. A frantic woman came up to me and peered into my cart in a panic looking for the Barbi Aluminum Kick Scooter in purple. Apparently she had one and she set it down for a second and it was gone. I was in Crazyville.
Meanwhile I did not find any other outstanding sales or items I just had to have. The $15 crock pots that were $19 off seemed absolutely exorbitant when you knew a $3 one once existed. Target is always home to good pricing, nothing was worth getting up that early and facing such lunacy. I got some gift wrap supplies and some ornaments that would have cost the same say at 11:30a.m. The check out lines were long enough to watch the Divinci Code DVD and still have time for a nap. Alas, the shopping gods finally looked over me when a team member stepped up to me and whispered "You don't have too many items - you can step over the to the pharmacy for check out." I took off like a bat out of hell.
So dear friends. I now vow again to never shop on Black Friday again. I don't care how good the deal, I just don't have what it takes. Now what the hell am I going to get Great Aunt Snookie?
Today's topic: Black Friday
Now if you are wondering why it has taken till Sunday to write about Black Friday it is because it has taken me a full 48 hours to get over the trauma of going out at 5:00a.m. last Friday.
Let me start by sharing with you that I started working retail at the mall in my home town at the green age of 15 at an upscale woman's store called Up To Date. I was the Dressing Room gal. Breaking several child labor laws I worked 12 hours straight my very first Black Friday employed in the working world. My legs felt like overcooked spaghetti from not sitting down once and I vividly recall making a solemn pledge that when I grew up I would stay home on Black Friday and not shop. In my 6 consecutive years after age 15 where I worked at various retail shops at the mall I repeated that vow every Black Friday and would fantasize about adulthood and freedom from the crowds, sales and general mayhem.
So why on God's Green Earth did I decide to go out last Friday to Target at 5:00a.m.?
Well it was those goddamn $3 Chefmate appliances they advertised. Yes I was a sucker over the mere notion of obtaining a crock pot for $3 or a 12 cup coffee maker or panini press. Now keep in mind I would have to gift said items to somebody I didn't give a rat's ass about or was born in the depression era. 92 year old Great Aunt Snookie would be the only person to not judge me for giving her a $3 gift and also due to her lack of mobility be unable to physically return the crock pot and find out my dirty little secret that I spent the cost of a McDonalds Happy Meal on her Christmas gift.
To be honest I also had another reason for not minding an early wake up to head to Target. Regrettably I have been getting up around 4:00p.m. daily due to my chronic knee pain (on the docket for 2010 is knee replacements for me! Whoo-hoo!). I figured why not go out for $3 deals as I will inevitably be awake anyhow with aching patellas. I put the plan in front of my husband who gets up for work on a normal day at 3:30a.m. and he was unfazed at the prospect at heading out in pitch blackness. Alex (as usual) took it one step further and hatched an evil plan where I could get more deals by using my cane to smack people and/or get sympathy when there was just one panini press left on the shelf. He did have a really, really evil plan of me using the complimentary Target motorized cart to not only get to sale items faster but also strap my cane to the front basket a la battering ram to clear out any congested areas of the store. I reminded him the few times I have used the motorized cart it goes about 1 mile per hour fully floored and he quickly decided this idea wouldn't work. So me and my cane were going to hobble to cheap-ass appliance heaven all on our own.
Since here in the Chicago suburbs we have a Target in every direction from our house all about 10 minutes away we decided to go to what we like to call the "Secret Target" It's not a Superstore like many of our local Targets and is next door to a Walmart Supercenter so it tends to be a little sleepy and full of a lot of clearance stuff as not many people shop there. We naively figured people would go to the other more popular Targets and all the more $3 coffeemakers for us.
I began to realize we were screwed when I saw the local police directing traffic into the parking lot when we rolled in at 4:50a.m. Then I saw the line. It was filled with excited looking cheap appliance seekers and stretched out for miles. We went to the end of it as the doors were opened and I saw on the ground a sight I had not seen since I waited for Springsteen tickets in 1985 - strewn blankets, empty coffee cups and pieces of half eaten sandwiches. These crazy people had been camping out on line since 1:00 a.m. for my goddamn $3 crock pot. Bastards!
We got one of the very last carts available as we walked into the bottle necked entrance. Target in all their wisdom put all the $5 DVD's right as you walk in on cardboard racks. It was a freakin' feeding frenzy and I had to laugh as a lady shouted out in glee "I got The Davinci Code!" (um, it really wasn't that great of a movie and it lasted what felt like 23 hours) Using highly technical hand signals I pointed to the left to my husband so we could cut through one of the open check out lines and by-pass the DVD madness. He nodded and off we went. I put my cane on high speed and said to my husband (who should be at my side) "Lets go all the way over to the left side of store so we can go straight down to appliances!" When I got no response I realized quickly I was talking to nobody as Alex had stopped 10 feet back at the $1 bins. What?
We are out at 5:00 a.m. among throngs of shoppers all stuck in the DVD shopper traffic and I devise a fantastic plan to by-pass hundreds of people to get the $3 appliances and he stops to browse the stupid $1 bins that are there ALL the time!
I know the military says to never leave a man behind but I have to keep the dream alive! I ditch Alex like a bad prom date and hobble in high gear back to appliances by cutting through the kids department. I see people coming towards me with arms full of red Chefmate boxes. I can smell the $3 bargains they are so close!
I see the Doorbusters Deals end cap in sight as I turn the corner and I think "I'm going to make it! I can do it!" A flash of red shirt then stood in my path and I listened in horror as a Target team member announced "That's it folks!" She handed the last panini press to a man with a White Sox hat on. I clutched my cane a bit tighter and thought about using it in force to get that panini maker, alas Target has pretty good security and the cops were right outside still directing traffic.
My husband shows up on the scene a few minutes later clutching some plastic jungle animals from the $1 bins for my nephews. He does not understand why I am losing my mind over missing out on the $3 appliances. In his estimation we would have had to be been one of the 1:00a.m. camped out people to get those great deals. He unplugs the floor demo $3 coffee maker from the display shelf and hands it to me at which point I respond using language not fitting of a lady.
For the next hour I watch crazed individuals run around Target like chickens with their heads cut off. Women in baseball caps covering unwashed hair pushed 2 carts at a time full of merchandise. I listen to a man in electronics brag his "big fish" story to a group that he just happened to be standing near a set of stock room doors when staff brought out the 2 last flat screens on super sale which he motioned to on a flat bed. Bystanders ooohhed and aaahed over this tale of triumph. A frantic woman came up to me and peered into my cart in a panic looking for the Barbi Aluminum Kick Scooter in purple. Apparently she had one and she set it down for a second and it was gone. I was in Crazyville.
Meanwhile I did not find any other outstanding sales or items I just had to have. The $15 crock pots that were $19 off seemed absolutely exorbitant when you knew a $3 one once existed. Target is always home to good pricing, nothing was worth getting up that early and facing such lunacy. I got some gift wrap supplies and some ornaments that would have cost the same say at 11:30a.m. The check out lines were long enough to watch the Divinci Code DVD and still have time for a nap. Alas, the shopping gods finally looked over me when a team member stepped up to me and whispered "You don't have too many items - you can step over the to the pharmacy for check out." I took off like a bat out of hell.
So dear friends. I now vow again to never shop on Black Friday again. I don't care how good the deal, I just don't have what it takes. Now what the hell am I going to get Great Aunt Snookie?
Seriously this is hilarious - it should be published in every paper from coast to coast because it was oh-so-true! Thanks for sharing!
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