Thursday, January 5, 2012

A dog's eye view of my recent illness...

I've been sick since December 19th. Or maybe it all began December 16th when I passed out prior to vacuuming (which by the way is a totally cool trick to get your husband to do the vacuuming)At any rate, I have been out of routine laying in bed, praying for a day the Kardashians are not mentioned on television every 7 seconds. 
So my dogs have been out of routine. The highly regimented pack has been in a state of chaos for some weeks now. Hence being creatures who love habit, they have gone into some type of bizarro land routine Alex has created where apparently there is no routine. To get a better understanding of what is going on with my carpets and disheveled looking hounds I took a glimpse into their diaries to get a first-paw account of what they really were thinking as I lay in bed wheezing...


"No amount of sacrifice is enough till my DogMom is better."
Lily -  - December 2011/Jan. 2012  - Thursday 7:45 a.m. ~ 
"DogMother continues to lay in sickness on the big bed and I have stood vigil never leaving her side. I stare at her adoringly, lick her fever ridden forehead and will only leave if forced by DogDad. I do not need food, I do not need water, I will only go out to potty if forced after staring at her for 8 hours. I will follow her to the bathroom in case she needs me and then recoil myself at her side again when we get back into bed. I don't want to play, do not talk to me, I just want her to be better and I am not moving until she is better." 

"Where's the party? I'm the party. Oh, yeah."
Pogue -  - December 2011/Jan. 2012 - Monday 4:05p.m. ~
"Dude! This has been the best 3 weeks ever! DogMom is like upstairs in a coma or something and never leaves her bed and I am totally downstairs and DogDad is in charge. There are NO RULES man! The doggy door NEVER closes, it's a blast! Nobody is constantly bugging me about my muddy paws, in fact DogDad doesn't even seem to notice them! I go on the couch with them and counter surf and there is none of that frantic flailing sign language that DogMom is always flashing in my face. I've been hitting the litter box for snacks and digging holes in the yard, it's been so gnarly. Sometimes I run upstairs to see if DogMom is breathing and she gets all cranky flashing that "no" sign because my paws are all muddy and apparently she minds if her bed is muddy which is ridiculous because the ENTIRE DOWNSTAIRS is muddy! Get with the program lady, MUD is where it's at. Lily is being a real kiss-ass staying up there with her, but that's okay, it's given me a chance to bond and teach Beatrix some really cool things like how to shred the family room chair! DogDad doesn't use measuring tools to pour our food out like that persnickety DogMom of ours and gives us pizza crusts! I hope DogMom never gets better!"

"I'm confused."
Beatrix - December 2011/Jan. 2012 Tuesday 6:25p.m.~
"What the hell is going on? 
I haven't been to ballet or French lessons for weeks. I have some type of sap on my head from screwing with the Christmas Tree which Pogue said we had to do or Santa would not come. Nobody is cleaning the sap off my head. It's unsightly. 
DogDad seems nice enough, he gives us whole cookies instead of pieces like DogMom does. But sometimes I tell him I have to go potty and he is watching the big big picture box and he'll say "in a minute". He does not understand I have a puppy bladder and I can't wait a minute. Shamefully I had to go potty in the laundry room on the throw rug in front of the door. I need therapy over this. For the love of God, I KNOW BETTER!
DogMom just lays upstairs oblivious to my life being ruined. I have been trying to get messages to OESR to save me from this mayhem that has become my life. Unfortunately, OESR President Susan England does not read and understand Swedish which I foolishly wrote all the emails in. I need culture and a good brushing. Somebody help me."

2 comments:

  1. Shannon...I love the personality and creativity displayed in your writing. I hope the "DogMom" gets feeling better soon. Sounds like your fur-babies need their Mommy back! And, it sounds like you have been under the weather for far too long. Wishing you a healthy, Happy New Year! Debbie Juneau

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  2. OMG this is totaly funny read...love, love, loved it! Thanks Shannon

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