Fiona and I are clearly not ready for Westminster

It occured to me after watching Westminster that dog shows are the new beauty pagents of my life. As a younger gal I took delight in watching Miss America and doing what most gals and gay men do...pick apart the contestants unmercifully. Don't judge me...we all have done it! Alas, I've grown up and Miss America is now like a reality show where phone judging plays a part so there is less fun in even making fun of the judges. Dogs are now such a central focus in life it was only natural I turn my daggers towards professional dog shows to get my ya-ya's. Well the night before last I found myself snuggled under my favorite down blanket, wide awake and ready to dissect as Westminster was in it's final night. First off let me get the disclaimer out...I know dog shows are serious sport with some really great dog people doing wonderful things for the breeds, yadda, yadda, yadda. No disrespect to the serious dog show folk out there, I obviously know nothing about your world. But for the rest of us armchair quarterbacks let me just say this year's show was a humdinger if for nothing else than we don't have to hear about that damn beagle Uno anymore. As if having short legs and a stocky body type didn't win over most of America - who incidentally has the same body type, myself included. Alas we have had to hear repeated about how he took all his earnings in 2008 from his title and gave them 100% to charity. He's too much of a do-gooder, like Miss Tennessee who puts vaseline on her teeth to keep that perfect smile and knows sign language because she has 3 brothers she helped raise who are deaf.
Like most dog guardians I wanted my dog's breed to win, thinking the whole time my dogs are better looking than the perfect breed standards being presented. Sure Fiona has mud between her paws at this very moment and her snout is not the desired length, but she is sooooooo beautiful. The English Setter did take 3rd in sporting proving that my brain waves do effect judging on some level. I digress to some of my favorite Westminster moments...
* Sadie the Scottie taking a pee-pee during Best In Show judging. Nothing makes the at-home viewer happier than seeing the most perfect dogs on the planet relieving themselves on the green carpeting of Westminster. The audible gasp of the crowd at Madison Square Garden as Sadie tinkled was icing on the cake. (also noteworthy was the fact that Sadie's handler looked a lot like Tony Soprano with nerdy glasses...not quite what you expect of a dog show handler)
* Conrad the Puli's handler kept her bait in her bra (or seemingly so). Now I know handlers have to have those delectable little treats to bait their dogs to standing just so and looking a certain direction, but at such a high level when you are on national television, couldn't she have picked an outfit with oh, I don't know...pockets? It was a bit unnerving to see her reaching under her jacket for a piece of jerky that magically appeared from the boobie region. I haven't seen so much bra diving since my high school prom. (ba-da-da-dum)
* Tiger Woods the Scottish deerhound looked like he owned the place. The way he strode around the ring he had an air about him like he could take it or leave it, he had better things to do. He was my Best in Show favorite as he clearly did not give a hoot about all the pomp and poop and circumstance. He was like Miss Oregon, great looking but never one you bank on for winning when Miss Texas is standing nearby.
* If this was America's most watched dog show couldn't they gather more advertisers? I know the economy is rough, but if I had to watch that damn Petco commercial with the dog looking in the mirror one more time I was going to shoot myself. It was cute the first time but the dog in the sweater lost it's charm the 63rd time I saw it. Conversely the Pedigree commercial with the homeless dogs in cages made me get weepy every time they showed it, which was roughly 75 times during the dog show. I'm still loosing sleep over the one with his snout peering outside the bars of the shelter kennel.
* I don't think it was necessary for the commentators (one of whom was a female named Mary - which I did not realize until they showed her face 3/4 of the way through the evening, I thought it was two guys talking!) to talk so much about the Standard poodle's lineage. The fact that the dog's sire was dead for 20 years and they used frozen seamen to create him was a little too much information and frankly a little creepy. It was like learning Miss Rhode Island had a plate in her head or something...some things are better left unsaid.
* Finally a word about Stump, the spaniel who took best in show. He took the prize at 10 and won America's hearts by being the oldest winner ever. Kind of like Cloris Leachman being a fan favorite on Dancing with the Stars, this guy for sure got the senior vote. But when he sat up on his hind legs after winning, who didn't love him to pieces? And let's be honest, who didn't think "My dog can do that!" Fiona is practicing the pose as we speak.