A Message from Fiona to her Dogmommy

Dear Dogmom,

It is that special time of year again when flashbulbs round the world start going off and canines lose all sense of dignity as Dogparents dress them up for holiday photo cards. Please take a few moments to review the following before you begin your quest to create the "best" holiday photo ever.

I think I speak for canines everywhere when I say we are dogs. Not reindeer. Though both mammals that is where the similarities end. Please do not put reindeer antlers on us. It seems that you forget this every year and the antlers keep getting more elaborate and more humiliating. They started off as brown felt and that was bad enough. Now you seem to find delight in securing antlers to our heads that sing songs or light up via battery packs or are bedazzled in pink sequins and marabou feathers. If dogs were meant to have horns God would have created us that way! Cut it out!

Likewise I do not know of any dog on the planet that enjoys being dressed up as an elf. I don't care how many liver treats you bribe me with I am not putting those damn curly toed elf shoes on my paws. My job is to chew and destroy shoes, not wear them. So I suggest forewarned is fair warned - you force the goddamn elf shoes on me and I cannot be responsible for what happens to your new designer pumps once you leave the house for more than an hour.

I ask for your empathy. Do you enjoy wearing that really ugly holiday sweater your Aunt Francie gave you in 1992? No? Well then, why do you feel the need to put me in a tacky sweater every December that inexplicably has pom-poms on it? Does anybody really want to wear pom-poms? Also have you seen the quality of most dog sweaters? There is a reason they are typically clearanced at Petsmart for $2.99. Truly you love me more than that don't you?

Let's just forget about fake beards, Santa hats I will shake off my head the minute you take 2 steps back to turn the camera on and anything that requires a lot of velcro and a team of assistants to put on my body.

I am a dog and I love you. You love Christmas and due to my undying love for you I will put up with these shenanigans. Just please oh please do not buy that Snowman dog suit from the In the Company of Dogs catalog. I mean it about those pumps.

Signed -

Your Loving Dog Fiona