Saturday, August 30, 2008

On Dog Walking and TV Game Shows and NonLeashes - My Rant


If we were playing a TV game show like Pyramid these would be your clues:
"Kneading bread dough, balancing your check book, painting model airplanes"
Answer: Things you don't do while walking a dog.
Logic tells us that certain things don't go together. Like walking a dog while balancing a tray and water bottle on top of your head. (Illustrated here by my dogless best pal Nicole. Congrats Nicole for finally making the blog. Even though you have no dog I thought I'd find a way to get you in here)
I digress... when you're walking a dog you should be focusing on well, walking the dog. This simple premise seems lost on many as I witness some crazy stuff on my daily dog walks.
Take Friday for example. I'm walking Dugan and coming towards us on the sidewalk is a lady pushing a stroller, with a retractable leash in one hand attached to a crazy little terrier mix and a cell phone cradled in her neck. Oh how I hate retractable leashes...if it was up to me they would be banned. I mean really, we can ban trans fats and not the most stupidly designed dog restraint ever? The best is I love how people act surprised all of sudden that they have no control over their dog on a retractable. Uh-duh... the leash is designed to let your dog go any old place with no resistance. So when they dart out 30 feet in front of you and you can't reel them back like a trout you act surprised. Which is what happened with crazy little terrier. Stroller Mom started freaking out and let go of the stroller so she could try to reel the dog back towards her. Dugan and I walked off the sidewalk and on the grass and kept heading in our original direction but out of the range of crazy terrier. Mind you Stroller Mom never ended her phone call, which I thought might have aided her cause, but what do I know? Maybe she was a lifeline on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire or something and simply couldn't hang up. So she leaves the stroller completely unattended and stranded behind her on the sidewalk and runs up to the dog and attempts to pick him up. Crazy terrier proceeds to bite her hand. Then she starts yelling into the phone how out of control the dog is - which I guess rules out Howie Mandel was on the other end. Dugan and I are now standing dumbfounded guarding the unattended baby as Stroller Mom herds the dog back towards us by kicking the dog along the sidewalk like a soccer ball. The whole thing was disturbing and I was like "you don't have to kick the dog" but Stroller Mom completely ignored me and took the stroller handle and quickly walked away -amazingly continuing her phone call. Ironically Dugan didn't freak out like he usually does when an unbalanced dog is near. He kind of had a perplexed look on his face like "Damn - that terrier is more screwed up than me."
I know everybody is limited on time and I know we should applaud the fact that people are actually making an effort to exercise their dogs, but people let's not multi-task too much. Case in point - the Dad on a bicycle I witnessed 2 weeks ago. He had three young children also on kiddie bicycles riding along with him on the sidewalk next to a 4 lane busy roadway. Added to this family fun were 2 large American bulldogs...on ropes...and did I mention Dad was on his cell phone while riding? He held the ropes along with the handlebar of the bike. What the hell? Did his wife yell at him to order take out for dinner, entertain the children and walk the dogs and he decided to merge everything together into one act? Does he not know American bulldogs are not really running dogs - evident by the fact that they trailed behind everybody and looked like they were heading to heat exhaustion. Finally... a rope is not a leash mister. Which leads me to my following tangent.
Things I've Seen People Use as Leashes that are NOT Leashes
* The aforementioned rope. Sure it works in a bind, but for the love of Sam people, do we all live on a farm? No we live in the snooty Chicago suburbs. Strip malls, townhomes and 4 car garages. Nobody has a barn or a rodeo event in the near future. Why do you even have a rope - you wouldn't begin to know how to tie a knot if asked.
* 20 feet of plastic sealed steel cable. The type normally attached to those stupid lawn tethering systems that should also be banned. Is it just laziness that you don't want to unhook your dog from the lawn tether to be mobile? Rather just coil the whole thing up and walk down the street? Insult to injury - you are using a cable that is tested to like 3000 pounds of resistance and you have it attached to a 11 pound shihtzu. Why?
* 40 foot nylon lead with a metal snap-hook. Well we are getting closer to something that is somewhat leash-like, yet we've missed the mark again. First off - if you let your dog go 40 feet in front of you I got news for you, you have no control over him or her. Secondly this type of lead is handy when lunging a horse...not walking your labradoodle.
* Chains. It doesn't make your dog look tougher. It makes you look like an asshole.

So in review...lets walk our dogs (not bicycle with improper equipment) and actually pay attention to walking and controlling our dogs. Let's get crazy and use oh I don't know... a leash. They sell them everywhere from Target, the grocery store, the local Walgreens to one of many pet superstores that are located everywhere. (plug: Or have one custom made by Lucky Fiona!)

Clues: Bonding with your pooch, enjoying nature, reflective relaxation....
Answer: Things that happen when you walk your dog the right way!









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