7 Easy Steps on Bathing Your Slightly Smelly English Setter

7 Easy Steps on Bathing Your Slightly Smelly English Setter

1. Convince yourself that it will be easy and save you gobs of time and money rather than going to the groomer.

2. Tell dog it's bathtime and collect old towels, organic Lavender & Rosemary dog shampoo/conditioner kit given to dog at Christmas time. Smile as you think how resourceful you are and how in the early years of dog guardianship you did this all the time! No problem!

3. Notice all dogs in household have scattered like the wind to hidden corners and are camouflaging selves underneath furniture.

4. Select chosen victim (Lily) and explain to her how great she'll feel once she's all clean and shiny. Tell her this will be fun as you drag her into bathroom. As you shut door notice look of dread in dog's face and feel slight twinge of guilt.

5. Fill tub with warm sudsy water, hook on handheld shower head. Try to introduce dog to water and marvel how dog can climb shower curtain like a spider monkey to avoid touching water. Repeated attempts at lowering dog into water result in a completely dry English Setter and a soaking wet Dogmom. Dog has developed elastic leg muscles that straddle bath tub with incredible force whenever water comes within 2 inches of belly fur and keep dog suspended above water line.

6. Dogmom realizes back hurts, knees hurt, floor is covered in water. Forehead is beading with sweat. Dog is shaking and looking at you like "I'm a rescue with a sad past - why are you torturing me?" In desperation Dogmom strips off soaking wet clothes and carries dog into bath tub and under stream of water. Setter starts screaming as if being dipped in acid. Dogmom quickly suds up dog rinses and repeats. Momentarily thinks organic dog shampoo/ conditioner smells better than $23 shower gel normally used in very same bath tub by humans.

7. Spends next hour hand drying traumatized dog, including wrapping in down blankets to cease shaking. Feel guilt for traumatizing dog and promise never to do so again. Disinfect and dry every inch of bathroom. Wonder how clumps of dog hair got on ceiling. Take own shower and realize that yes, dog shampoo smells better than high falutin' shower gel. Look at clock and realize 3.5 hours have passed. Call groomer and set up bathing appointments for other dogs.