Cat Scratch Fever

For those of you with cats with nails you know there comes a time when it's very evident they need to be trimmed. My moment came yesterday morning when Sully attached himself like Spiderman to the front window screen. Those perfectly curled nails of his hooked him onto the screen securely with four legs outstretched - he looked like one of those Halloween decorations where the witch has gone "splat" flattened against a tree. After I rescued him from his nail-embedded trap I took him to the powder room a.k.a. the smallest room in the house a.k.a. "The-Cat-Nail-Trimming-Torture-Center" You could see the look of recognition come over Sully's usually happy-go-lucky expression as the door shut. It was if he was saying "Oh shit, how did I let her lead me here so blindly!" The woe-is-me howling soon followed before any nail even touched a trimmer. Drama King.
You see there is a very spoken deal in our happy household that I explain to the cats before the ink has even dried on their adoption papers. It goes a little like this...I will not declaw you. I don't believe in it, I've witnesses the procedure in person during my years working at vet hospitals and I will not subject you to the agony. In exchange you will allow me to trim your toenails as needed. Seems so simple right? You dear kitty get a wonderful pampered life and you are spared amputation! Do you know how lucky you are?
As kittens they are all on board. "Oh yes kind lady who's adopting us, anything you say, nail trims? No problem. Did we mention we are cute and fuzzy? Nail trims? Sure, whatever. Just get us the hell out of this shelter!"
Then they get home and get comfortable and memories get a bit blurred. Heck two of them even behaved during the first few nail trims in an attempt to fool me into thinking I finally adopted a cat that doesn't mind it being done. Then by nail trim 3 or 4 the dramatics begin.
Henri my 14 year old cat has hated nail trims with the core of her being for exactly 13 and 3/4 years. Her style consists of hissing and Halloween-cat back arching accompanied by the low growl throughout. You'd think she'd mellow at her age, but no, she musters up all her geriatric energy in opposing me and turns into evil cat the minute the trimmers come into her line of sight. I calmly tell her for the millionth time that "you'll be so much happier Henri once they are trimmed and you don't get stuck on the carpet!"She stares at me without blinking. I'm pretty sure she's plotting my death. A death involving a giant size toenail trimmer.
Brody the 2 year old dilute calico holds the record for making me bleed the most times during a nail trim. She turns into rigamortis cat the minute the trimmers appear and freezes like a statue. She won't flex any of her joints and retracts her claws so tightly they disappear into her paws like a David Blaine stunt. She is not very vocal which to be honest is a tad more frightening, when she bites you it come without warning. I have attempted to logically reason with her to no avail. No matter how many times I tell her if she would just cooperate we could get the trimming done and over with quicker she still seems to kitty smile as if to say "sure thing" and then promptly sinks her teeth into my hand.
Sully during nail trims is by far the most vocal, as those of you in the western Chicago suburbs can attest to if you heard the wailing at 9:35 a.m. yesterday morning. No it wasn't the monthly Midwest testing of the tornado siren, it was my Siamese. He throws his head back for dramatic effect and quickly becomes a circus contortionist when I attempt to trim a paw. He is the only one who has attempted to scale the powder room wall in an attempt to escape the windowless room. An endeavor that while ambitious is not possible due to a little thing we science minded humans call gravity.
All 3 cats will ignore me for hours after "the torture". I usually use this time to apply band-aids and deal with the emotional pain and suffering of having your animal companions dislike you so much for doing something good for them! Yes, I've tried positive reinforcement. Yes I've tried treats. Yes I've tried Soft Paws - the kitty equivalent of Lee Press on Nails. They suck too. If your cat doesn't want their nails trimmed they certainly don't want to sit still for you to do a full out pedicure complete with plastic nail tips you Crazy Glue over the cat nail. Did any of the above scenarios I described sound like they would be enhanced by the addition of Crazy Glue?
Let's face it - cats hate nail trims. I need my crew to go to group therapy meeting with cats that had guardians that did declaw them. I picture a wood paneled room in a church basement with some tabbies milling around the free coffee... Orange Cat:"Hi, my Name is Morris, I'm a domestic short hair and I was four pawed declawed. I feel violated and insecure. Group: Hello Morris!"
That's it! Then Henri, Brody and Sully would realize how damn lucky they are to have to have nail trims! In case you are wondering I have used that scenario as part of the serious discussion I put forth with the cats in a vain attempt to reason with them - It's usually met with biting, yowling and looks of contempt. Meee-owwww.