Happy Mom's Day

I was much chagrined at Hallmark last week shopping for Mother's Day cards. It seems almost all the bases are covered...Happy Mom's Day from a child, from multiple children, from your husband, from a friend. They had Mother's Day cards in Spanish, Portuguese, Italian and French. They had cards for a Mom-To-Be, the StepMom, Grandmom and the elusive "You're Like a Mom to Me!" I was thrilled to see they had a whole row dedicated "From the Dog" and "From the Cat" I imagine "From Your Vegetarian Hamster" is being mulled over by Hallmark execs as we speak for a 2010 release.
But not anywhere on that rack was a card made just for me. I have no children. By choice and also by circumstance I am not anybodies Mother. Anybody human that is. So Mother's Day is always a bit awkward for me as I am forced to assess the whole situation as the world around me is blanketed in shades of pink flowers and brunch invitations and charming cards made with crayons and paste and eager 5 year old hands. I do not have animals in place of children as many would accuse. I am not the sad barren woman ogling every infant that strolls by in a Graco who settled on cats instead. Where is my card? The "Childless by Choice Who Prefers the Company of Dogs and Cats....the Dogmom?"
I'm torn between a pang of sadness and a pang of relief and wondering why I am so different? I've never had baby bump envy, my clock has never ticked, in fact I think I was born without a clock. I don't dislike children even though my husband has branded me as the "mean lady" in our neighborhood as I am annoyed by children who throw balls over our fence. I am less annoyed at a visiting dog peeing on my rug. What's wrong with me?
Last Monday night Alex and I went to a local wing joint/sports bar to relax and catch the Yankee-Red Sox's game on the big screen and shout expletives (those who understand New York-Boston baseball will understand this statement). Upon entering the friendly confines of this familiar restaurant we were nearly trampled by a pack of screaming children and a wait for a table. A wait on a Monday night? We had the bad luck of showing up on "Popsicle Night" Apparently one of the local grade schools was doing a fundraiser with the restaurant where whichever class had the most students show up for dinner with their families got a Popsicle party. The restaurant in turn donated a portion of the night's revenue to the school. So kids ages 5-11 were overtaking the place in droves. The patron in front of us at the host stand struggled to remember how many children were with her and was counting on her fingers and counting heads more than once. I couldn't understand...did the kids flap their arms and fly there? How could she not know how many were with her? Impatiently I surged in front of her and said "we have no kids and will sit in the bar!" The host pointed us away and I could see the look of daggers coming my way as the lady was handed a pager and told of the wait.
No relief was found at the bar as the "no kids allowed in bar area after 7:00" rule was not enforced and screaming hyper chatter of Popsicle flavors surrounded us as wee ones darted under tables and ran like banshees behind our chairs. God further punished us as the NY-Boston game was under rain delay. The poor servers were trying to balance trays of food as little sneakers snaked up and down the aisles at lightening speed. A young girl took a whole cup of ice and casually dumped it on the floor with glee as another child began screaming for quarters for a video game. The look of fear in Alex and I's eyes were mirrored by our waitress who grabbed my arm and said "Wednesdays are also 1/2 Priced Kids Night!" Stay away!" Alex and I nodded dumbly and ate our wings in record time. We handed off a debit card the moment the check came and stumbled towards an exit.
At no point during this episode did I feel sadness that all those Moms would get hand picked bouquets of flowers today and I would get nothing.
I do like children. I can name them all. My twin nephews Rowan and Kieran. My niece Jayne and nephew Nolan. The incredible brothers Tristan and Avery awe me every time I speak to them. Heck, I even goo-goo at my friend's daughter Lyla because damn it...she is so adorable I want to eat her up like chocolate pudding. The smell of her 4 month old head in a baby headband is enough to make me drunk she is so delicious. I'm sure there are other children out there too I'd like, I just haven't met them yet.
I think my Mom gene was mutated and only works on animals. I will literally run across the street to see a puppy. I used to lament at the desk job I worked at that people out on maternity leave would always stop in with their babies but nobody ever brought their new puppy or kitten in. That would be way more exciting for me.
Last week I glanced out the kitchen window and realized a robin had built a nest in the inside of my fence on a post. I'm thinking she has to be a first time Mom or like the equivalent of a robin-crackhead-Mom because this was the stupidest place to build a nest. Predators a plenty lurk in our yard between 3 bird dogs and 3 cats that roam inside the fence. Also a family of Grackles live 25 yards away in a pine tree and as we know Grackles are the cannibals of the bird world and will eat another bird without a second thought. So worried was I upon examining the nest and seeing 3 bright blue eggs that I built a makeshift screen with old sunflower stalks to protect the Mom and eggs from any fence scaling predators. Testament to my husband's understanding and love of me was that he did not question why I sat stringing stalks together with jute building a robins -nest fortress and he even made suggestions on how to secure the nest once babies hatch to keep them from falling in the danger zone.
I am so totally nurturing when it comes to creatures of the four pawed, winged or even finned variety. Just 2 weeks ago I drove all over town looking for special cichlid baby food after our convict and fire mouth cichlids crossbred and had "fry" in our aquarium. The damn Mother fish ate over 3/4 of her own children but I cared enough to keep the rest of those babies alive with special Small Bites food! Interupting the circle of life perhaps, but my maternal feeling for those little fish could not be squelched!
It goes without saying I'll do anything for our dogs or cats and I love the joy they bring into our lives and I know children round the world bring the same joy to their parents. I've seen it, I've literally felt it, but for some reason I don't personally want it.
So another Mother's Day ends and I am left questioning why my Mom skills are so prolific with the animal kingdom and why I am so okay with it in a world that has made me question it's seeming normalcy. Perhaps I need to call the execs at Hallmark and when that "You're A Mom to Dogs and Cats and Wild Birds and Cross Breeding Fish and that's okay!" card comes out on the rack next year you'll know who's responsible.